STRESS, ANXIETY & PANIC REDUCTION PROGRAM
The information that I have gathered here comes from many different areas and sources. Most of it comes from books that I have read on the subjects of stress, anxiety, relaxation and cognitive therapy. Some of the information comes from personal experience and the actual implementation of the exercises.
My family history is embedded with relatives who suffered from anxiety disorders and stress related illnesses. My involvement in their successes and failures and dealing with them has led me to gain an education in the subjects of stress and anxiety. Reading various books on the subjects, practicing relaxation responses and changing irrational cognitive thought patterns all gave me experience in the world of reducing stress and anxiety.
I hold no degrees or professional certifications in the areas of stress and anxiety. , I am not bound to one set of beliefs or particular theory of what works and what doesn’t. I can only share what has worked for me and my family. I am also confident that it can work for you or someone you love who is burdened by stress and anxiety.
The work necessary to alleviate the crippling anxiety in one’s life can be very uncomfortable. Change is sometimes difficult and painful. People who suffer from anxiety will be resistant to confront the anxiety and the fears it creates. However, if you work through this plan slowly and do as little as just 20 minutes each day, the wall of stress and anxiety will be broken. The symptoms and behaviors which have burdened you through life will be eased and relief will be felt.
So, if you want to try an approach to ease the anxiety and stress in your life without the possibility of any side effects as can be the case of prescription medications, and with only a small amount of time needed each day then try following the approach here.
STRESS AND ANXIETY
Stress and anxiety affect different people in different ways. To some people they pose a mere inconvenience and minor irritation. Others, however, are crippled and handicapped by them. Why are some people able to go through their lives without any setbacks due to them while others may have their whole world turned upside down due to their effects?
People affected by stress and anxiety may develop one or more of the 6 basic types of anxiety related problems:
panic disorder
obsessive compulsive disorder
post-traumatic stress disorder
specific phobia
social phobia
generalized anxiety disorder
If you are a person suffering from one of these disorders or other problems related to anxiety and stress you are not alone. Many, many people have issues with stress and anxiety. It is not a sign of weakness. It does not mean you are not strong. It only means you have a potential health issue that you need to recognize, understand and resolve. You are on the path to doing just that.
One of the most important steps in conquering stress and anxiety is understanding what they are and where they come from. This knowledge alone will bring some relief. The understanding of the reasons we are having symptoms will help in reducing stress and anxiety.
The Fight, Flight or Freeze Response
As humans developed from ape into primitive people they sometimes needed quick bursts of energy to fight or flee predators such as saber tooth tigers in order to survive. Sometimes when unable to outrun their predators they would stop lay down and pretend to be dead. Humans, over time, developed an automatic biochemical response to help them deal with dangers which might threaten their survival. These automatic reactions in the body when we are faced with a threat is known as the fight, flight or freeze response.
Your nervous system is divided into 2 parts: the voluntary nervous system and the autonomic nervous system. The voluntary nervous system is composed of nerves that connect to muscles which control movement to our arms and legs by sending information to them from our eyes, ears and other senses.
The autonomic part of the nervous system is composed of all the nerves which connect to your internal organs and glands. It also controls all the automatic activities such as digestion and breathing. It is a part of the autonomic nervous system which sets off the fight, flight or freeze response and activates our bodies quickly to prepare it to fight, freeze or flee from any danger we perceive as threatening our existence. It does this almost instantaneously.
How does our nervous system help us when faced with a threat or danger? Our autonomic nervous system will suspend all non essential activity in our body and increase the activity in systems needed to either fight, freeze or flee the danger or threat to us. When our nervous system triggers the fight, flight or freeze response it releases increased amounts of adrenalin and related chemicals into our bloodstream. This will provide us with extra strength, stamina and ability to respond quickly to the danger we perceive as threatening to us.
Some of the automatic changes our nervous system will implement instantaneously when faced with a threat are:
Accelerated Heartbeat: this pumps more blood to the muscles for the impending struggle.
Deeper and More Rapid Breathing: this ensures a large supply of oxygen
Increased Muscle Tension: This prepares the muscles for any upcoming action
Cold Sweat: Prepares the body for the warm sweat from actual muscular activity
Constriction of Peripheral Blood Vessels Near the Surface of the Body: this raises blood pressure
Shivering and the Raising of Hairs: This conserves body heat and protects the body from the increased threat of cold due to the constriction of the peripheral blood vessels
Dilation of the Pupils: This permits a better view of the threatening danger “eyes wide with fear”
Suspension of Digestive Activity: This provides additional blood for the motor muscles
Dry Mouth Due to Decreased Flow of Saliva: this accompanies the decreased flow of gastric juices in the stomach as digestive activity is suspended
Tendency Toward Voiding Bladder and Bowels: this frees the body for strenuous activity
Suppression of the Immune System and Pain Response: this prevents swelling and discomfort which could interfere with a quick escape
You can see how the fight, flight or freeze response aided our early human ancestors in surviving physical threats such a tigers, snakes and fast developing lightning storms. However, as humans today, we face fewer and fewer physical dangers requiring strenuous action to survive than our ancestors. The most probable physical threats we may face today may be an oncoming car heading toward us or an over aggressive panhandler we may have to deal with. In fact, the most common threats we face today are psychological threats as opposed to physical threats. Threats such as the loss of love, status, prestige, or our sense of belonging and significance are our most common concerns.These psychological losses usually do not require an immediate physical response. However,if we perceive them as a threat our nervous system will automatically trigger the fight, flight or freeze response. This will in turn cause instantaneous physical reactions to our bodies that are unnecessary for that particular perceived threat.
WHAT IS STRESS?
Stress is pressure or tension exerted on a material object. The material object we will be discussing is humans.There are 2 forms of stress humans experience: physical stress and psychological stress. Physical stress is created by physical demands on the body such as those caused by accidents, illness, chemical toxins, or a demanding physical work schedule. Psychological stress is anything that triggers the fight, flight or freeze response. Psychological stress is created by mental or emotional demands we place on ourselves. These mental or emotional demands often come from personal beliefs, family,work, or friends.
Here are a few causes of psychological stress:
Pressure: an internal or external demand to complete a task or activity either within a limited time or in a specific manner
Frustration: the blocking of needs or wants
Conflict: the need to make a choice between 2 or more competing alternatives
An important point about stress is that your body reacts to any thought as though the thought concerns an event occurring in the present. It doesn’t matter whether the thought is about the past, present or future. A vivid thought about a past negative event or a negative future event will trigger the fight, flight or freeze response in the present.
A simple example of stress may be the requirement of having to give a speech to a group of 100 people. If the need to give the speech triggers your fight, flight or freeze response then it is a stress in you. This stress, in the form of a speech, will trigger the fight, flight or freeze response because it is perceived as a threat to you in some way. It may be a threat to your status or prestige. Your fight, flight or freeze response will automatically kick on to enable you to deal with the threat. Your muscles may tense. Your mouth may become dry. Your heart may start to beat rapidly. All of this may occur in the present just while only thinking about the prospect of giving a speech in the future. These reactions which are a result of your fight, flight or freeze response may result in hindering your ability to give a satisfactory and competent speech. ,
However, if you have given many,many speeches in your life, the requirement of giving a speech in front of 100 people may not trigger the fight, flight or freeze response. You may not perceive this as a threat. Thus, this event is not stress for you. You won’t get those reactions of a dry mouth, muscle tension or rapid heartbeat. From this example we can see how the same event may be stress for one person therefore activating the fight, flight or freeze response and its associated symptoms while the same event may not be stress for another person. Stress ,in fact, can even be positive.
Take the example of an athlete taking the field for a big game. The fight or flight response and its flow of blood to muscles may help with his performance. The musician before a performance may be helped by increased sense of hearing and muscle reaction.On the other hand negative stress can be short term such as waiting to board an airplane or long term such as being unemployed for a long period of time.
LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE YOUR SYMPTOMS OF STRESS
This is the first step in your journey to reducing stress and anxiety in your life. It is a simple and very important one. You need to find out what symptoms you experience due to the effects of the fight, flight or freeze response when you are stressed. The symptoms can be physical. mental, emotional, spiritual and relational.Think of several times when you have experienced stress and check the symptoms that you had. You may be feeling stress right now and don’t know the reason. Check the symptoms you are having.
PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS
appetite change increase of accidents rash
colds/flu increased alcohol, drug use restlessness
digestive upsets tobacco use teeth grinding
fatigue insomnia tension
finger drumming/foot tapping irregular breathing weight change
frequent sighing/yawning muscle aches others not listed
headaches pounding heart
MENTAL SYMPTOMS
boredom lethargy weird/morbid thoughts
confusion low productivity whirling mind
difficulty in thinking clearly negative attitude others not listed
dull senses poor memory
forgetfulness reduced ability to concentrate
EMOTIONAL SYMPTOMS
anxiety increased use of profanity, nervous laugh
bad dreams/nightmares put downs or sarcasm short temper
crying spells increased emotionalism the blues
depression irritability others not listed
SPIRITUAL SYMPTOMS
apathy loss of faith sense of helplessness
cynicism loss of meaning sense of hopelessness
doubt martyrdom others not listed
emptiness need to prove self
inability to forgive “no one cares” attitude
loss of direction pessimism
RELATIONAL SYMPTOMS
avoidance of people increased disagreements lowered sex drive
blaming intolerance nagging
distrust lack of intimacy resentment
fewer contact with friends lashing out others not listed
increased arguing less loving and trusting
If you go back and look at the items you checked you would find several that would be especially important warning signs for when stress is beginning to affect you in a negative way. Put a star besides 3 to 6 symptoms that you feel would be the most important indicators for when stress is beginning to affect you in a negative way.These will be very important warning signs that the flight, fight or freeze response is turning on and we may be starting to feel the effects of stress even though we may not yet be aware of what it is we are stressed out about.
An example of how this may help is the following. Andy always found it difficult to say no to people. At the beginning of the month a friend asked if Andy would consider putting together a benefit for charity and to let him know by the end of the month. Andy had little free time due to his young family obligations. Toward the end of the month Andy noticed he started to have some of his warning sign symptoms of stress. He wondered what he was stressed about then realized he wanted to tell his friend that he didn’t want to do the benefit. Andy then worked on relieving the stress symptoms. He also worked on being able to tell his friend that he didn’t have the time.
REDUCING THE SYMPTOMS OF STRESS
Some of us may be so burdened and overwhelmed by the symptoms we are having from stress that we cannot even function in our lives. Our symptoms of anxiety, depression,hopelessness and fatigue has crippled us. For others, headaches, insomnia, irritability and lashing out has made life insufferable. The need to reduce the symptoms from stress is vital. Before and during working on resolving the causes of the stress we first need to learn how to reduce its symptoms. This will enable us to focus on eliminating its causes as we go further in the program.
As we said before, it’s stress causing the fight flight or freeze response to activate that is the reason we are experiencing the symptoms. And just as our nervous system turns on our fight flight or freeze response, it can turn it off as well. An immediate way to turn it off is through doing a relaxation response.
The relaxation response is the most important tool you can have if you are affected by stress and anxiety. It will ease and in some cases eliminate some of the symptoms you are experiencing after developing and regularly practicing it. The relaxation response does this by enabling you to clear your mind of thoughts for approximately 20 minutes. This temporarily stops the fight flight or freeze response for that time. It allows your body to physically and mentally recover from the symptoms of stress you are having. However, the relaxation response takes practice to develop. It is practice that will pay off greatly.
One of the reactions many people experience due to the fight flight or freeze response is more rapid breathing and hyperventilation. Hyperventilation raises the pH level in our nerve cells,making them more excitable,and tends to activate the fight flight or freeze response.The first step in developing a relaxation response is to ensure you are breathing effectively.
Humans have 2 basic breathing patterns: thoracic or upper chest breathing and diaphragmatic breathing. In upper chest breathing the chest lifts upward and outward and the breathing tends to be shallow and rapid. During strenuous exercise, your body uses this breathing to provide the body with large amounts of oxygen needed. In contrast ,relaxed diaphragmatic breathing is your body’s normal breathing pattern when physical activity and the need for oxygen is low .Inhaled air is drawn deep into the lungs as the abdomen expands,making room for the diaphragm to contract downward. It is deeper and slower than shallow chest breathing and more rhythmic and relaxing.
Many people with anxiety related problems use upper chest breathing as their primary breathing pattern. This is due to their fight, flight or freeze response being constantly triggered.Upper chest breathing can contribute to hyperventilation. Hyperventilation can play a role in increasing anxiety. So it is very important to find out the type of breathing that you do.To determine this, lie down flat on your back. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach. Take a slightly deeper breath than you normally do and see which hand moves the most. If most of the motion is in the hand on your chest then you are an upper chest breather. If most of the motion is in the hand on your stomach than you are a diaphragmatic breather.
If you are an upper chest breather it is very important to practice and become comfortable with diaphragmatic breathing. If you are still unsure which type you are or are not fully comfortable with diaphragmatic breathing then follow this practice as well. Each practice session needs to last only about 1 minute, just long enough to take 4 or 5 relaxed comfortable diaphragmatic breaths. Do not make this hard work. It is also important to avoid overbreathing. The type of diaphragmatic breathing you are practicing is a very gentle and relaxed form of breathing. Lie down, place one hand on your abdomen over your navel. Breathe in such a way that your hand moves up and down in a relaxed manner. Your chest may move a little but most of the movement needs to be in the abdominal region. If you are having difficulty, try sucking in the abdominal region as you exhale then simply relax and inhale. Your abdominal region will naturally expand outward on its own as you slowly inhale. Do this excercise twice a day.
Once you can breathe with your diaphragm while lying down, practice 2 or 3 times a day while standing. An easy way to remember to practice is to take 3 or 4 diaphragmatic breaths just before you sit down for your regular meals. After you have practiced diaphragmatic breathing while standing and are able to breathe in this manner without effort, begin practicing while sitting. This is the most difficult position in which to breathe with the diaphragm.
Your goals are 1) to be able to tell when you are breathing with your diaphragm without the need to place your hand on your abdomen 2) to know what a comfortable, relaxed diaphragmatic breath feels like 3) to breathe in a gentle, relaxed manner with your diaphragm without effort whenever you wish. Once you are comfortable using diaphragmatic breathing it’s time to practice the relaxation response.
Developing the relaxation response will be a great step in easing and possibly even eliminating some of the distressing symptoms resulting from your stress. Developing a relaxation response will take practice. Learning to clear your mind of thoughts and totally relax takes practice. Throughout our lives we have been conditioned to always be thinking about the past, present or the future during each moment of our day. To put all thoughts aside for 20 consecutive minutes requires training your mind. So, right from the start, get used to the idea that your mind isn’t going to stop whirring away just because you want it to.Your first step in developing a relaxation response is to find an audio aid that will facilitate your goal. A link which will give you one to try is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9pveTeagCI
Like training for a marathon, training your mind to remain clear of all thoughts will be done best by starting out slowly. For some of us high stress and anxiety will make it quite difficult for us to quiet our minds and relax.The biggest obstacle is trying too hard. We need to start the audio aid and work toward the ability to quiet our minds. This may be uncomfortable and slow going. However, if you practice by listening to the audio aid rwice a day, it will provide the ezcercise necessary to do so. Once you are able to practice it effectively you will have the ability to stop the fight, flight, or freeze response at least for that time you are practicing. This will give your body a chance to rest from the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and relational symptoms that you have been experiencing. It is a well needed rest. The relaxation response should be practiced twice daily in order to effectively alleviate your symptoms which, in turn, will enable you to more effectively work on the remainder of this program.
Another important tool in reducing the symptoms of anxiety brought upon us by psychological stress is to use coping self- statements. The various situations in which we find ourselves resemble past ones in one or more important ways. The feelings or thoughts triggered by a particular situation are the result of both your conscious and unconscious interpretation of the situation. The interpretation is usually based on automatic, habitual thinking patterns. The key to changing this type of learned habit pattern lies in the fact that thoughts are really silent sentences that you say to yourself. Since your emotions are partly controlled by your conscious interpretation of the situation, statements that calm you when you feel afraid or anxious also help you reinterpret the situation so it is not as frightening. These type of statements are called coping self-statements because you say them to yourself and they help you cope with a given situation more effectively.
Consider the last situation you were in that produced anxiety. Recall what you said to yourself. If you think about it for a moment, you will probably find that the thoughts or statements that you repeated to yourself are the same ones you say to yourself in similar situations. Furthermore, they are probably statements that increase your level of anxiety. It is as if your particular set of negative statements have been recorded and are being played over and over inside your head. Common examples of negative self talk are:
“This is terrible”
“I can’t handle this”
“Why is this happening?”
“This is all wrong!”
“I can’t stand this!”
“I can’t make it through this!”
“Is this ever going to end?”
“This is so stupid. Why can’t I handle even this simple thing?”
“I’m not doing this right.”
“I can’t breathe.”
“I’m dying.”
“ I shouldn’t be feeling/acting this way”
“I’m never going to get better.”
“I can’t do this.”
Decreasing the amount and intensity of this type of negative self talk is one of the keys to reducing anxiety. One way to do this is to repeat coping self-statements whenever you become tense or anxious. At first, this may have only a small effect. With practice, however, you create a set of positive messages or “tapes” that eventually replace the old negative messages. Over time, as you repeat these positive messages, you gain confidence that they are true.
An example of the use of coping self-statements is during a situation in which a person starts to have panic symptoms such as rapid heart beat or rapid shallow breathing. They might have thoughts such as:
“Anxiety is dangerous.”
“I won’t be able to function when I become panicky.”
Here are several coping self-statements that can be used in that situation:
“Anxiety is not dangerous - just uncomfortable. I’ve survived feelings like this before.”
“I can be anxious and still function effectively. I just need to stay focused on the task at hand.”
“Anxiety is a nuisance and no more.”
“What I’m feeling is just an unpleasant body sensation. It is not dangerous.”
An example of coping self-statements to use during generalized anxiety are:
“The terrible things that I think will happen rarely do.”
“When I look at the past I usually see that things work out fine.”
“Feelings are not facts. They are just feelings. Most of my worries are based on emotion”
WHAT IS ANXIETY?
Anxiety is a symptom of stress. It is a reaction caused by the fight, flight or freeze response. The fight , flight or freeze response can be initiated by an unspecified fear detected by your nervous system from your brain. You often can’t pinpoint what it is that you are anxious about. The focus of anxiety is more internal than external. It seems to be a response to a vague, distant, or even unrecognized danger. You might feel anxiety about “losing control of yourself” or some situation. Or you might feel vague anxiety about “something bad happening”.
Anxiety can affect your whole being. It can lead to a physiological, behavioral and psychological reaction all at once. On a physiological level, the symptom of anxiety can lead to other physical symptoms such as rapid heartbeat, muscle tension, queasiness, dry mouth, or sweating. Behaviorally, it can sabotage your ability to act (the freeze part of the fight flight or freeze response),express yourself,or deal with certain everyday situations. Psychologically, anxiety can cause uneasiness and apprehension. In its most extreme form, it can cause you to feel detached from yourself and even fearful of dying or going crazy. Anxiety can appear in different forms and levels of intensity. It can range in severity from a mere twinge of uneasiness to a full-blown panic attack marked by heart palpitations, disorientation and terror.
THE CAUSES OF ANXIETY
Everyone’s body is different. Therefore,everyone’s brain is wired differently. The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It controls all of our functions, including our nervous system. It also makes us aware of danger. Sometimes it does so consciously, other times subconsciously. There are times in our lives when we may feel anxious and not know why. We may just wake up with tremendous anxiety and have it remain with us for the rest of the day. Or we may be placed in a certain situation during our day and suddenly feel overwhelmed by anxiety. The symptoms of muscle tension, queasiness apprehension and terror may be felt. Yet, we don’t know why we are experiencing this. It is most likely because your brain is perceiving danger. You, however, may not be consciously aware of what that danger is. It can be buried deep in your subconscious. Once your brain perceives danger it sends a signal to your nervous system, which starts the fight, flight, or freeze response to help protect you. Unfortunately, one of the reactions which is built in to protect us is anxiety. Anxiety will give us uneasiness, as well as apprehension, and cause us to run from the danger- or at least try to avoid it, as a mechanism to preserve us.
Why is it that some people are prone to anxiety while others are barely affected by it? Genetics is one reason. If you have a family history of members who suffered from anxiety issues, you will have a greater chance of having anxiety problems than a person without such a history. Another cause of one being susceptible to anxiety is their personality. Some people suffering from anxiety have a high anxiety personality. High anxiety personality and the anxiety-provoking traits associated with it can be rooted in childhood experiences. Your childhood contributes to the beliefs and traits that you carry with you for your entire life. The following section contains a list of high anxiety personality traits. Make a check next to any traits you recognize in yourself.
High Anxiety Personality Traits
High Level of Creativity or Imagination - People suffering from severe anxiety are often very creative with the ability to imagine things vividly. Unfortunately, this creativity can become a powerful force behind negative anticipation and “what if” thinking.
Rigid Thinking - this is the tendency to perceive events as either right or wrong, fair or unfair with no middle point of view. This type of thinking may involve having many rigid rules. There may be a “correct” way to do things and it becomes upsetting when things are not done in that correct way. Also there may be feelings that things “should”, “must” or “can’t” be done by oneself or other people they are dealing with.
Excessive Need for Approval - This is often referred to as a fear of rejection. It is a dependence on others for a sense of self worth. The person tends to have a heightened sensitivity to criticism and finds it difficult to say no to the demands of others. This trait can also cause the person to take responsibility for the feelings of others and to be overly sensitive to their needs. A person with this trait often makes it his responsibility to keep friends and relatives happy.
Extremely High Expectation of Self - There is also the expectation of a much higher level of performance and accomplishment from oneself than would ever be expected from others.
Perfectionism - this trait causes the person to have the tendency to focus on small flaws and errors rather than on progress or overall achievement. They may consider anything less than perfect achievement a complete failure. They then personalize the poor achievement so both the task and the person become failures. A perfectionist often says things such as “ Overall,this project was done well,but……” The perfectionist then dwells on what was wrong.
Excessive Need to be in Control - this trait places a high value on being calm and in control. Also, there is often a need for events to be predictable. Unexpected changes in a predetermined schedule cause distress. There may also be a tendency to try and control the feelings and behaviors of others. This person may present a “proper image” to the world even when there is tremendous self doubt and turmoil inside. She may even be considered very strong by friends and relatives
Suppression of Some or all Negative Feelings - a person with this trait often suppresses feelings that”shouldn’t” be felt because they might cause loss of control or disapproval from others. Anger and sadness are 2 examples of feelings often repressed.
The above traits are not necessarily undesirable. The trait of creativity is a source of effective problem solving. The need for approval is essential for healthy relationships. Perfectionism and high expectations create valuable members of society. Control of self and emotions help a person function well during emergencies and in the midst of chaos.
As with any given trait a person can possess, there is a healthy range for each. A trait creates problems only when it is exaggerated, interferes with the person’s life, and becomes unhealthy. If you recognize yourself as having some of these traits, the key is to learn how to moderate them so they are in a normal range and can be effective when they are needed. Learning to use them in this way, (minimizing them during times when they interfere with your life, and then transforming them into valuable assets) will be taught to you in this program. First, let’s find out some possible causes that may have created these traits which have become problems in our lives. Realizing how you developed these traits will ease your confusion about your condition.
Childhood Experiences That Can Contribute To Beliefs and Traits Associated With Anxiety
Your personality developed from the interaction of seven factors:
-The values and beliefs of the family in which you were raised
-The methods of discipline used to train and socialize you
-The role models presented by the adults in your life when you were young
-Your place within the family constellation (your birth order,the sex of your siblings,and whether or not you had siblings that had died,were handicapped or joined the family as a result of remarriage or adoption).
-The social and cultural influences present while you were growing up
-Your biological inheritance
-The meaning you gave to each of the above while growing up
There are many ways in which these seven factors can interact to produce the high anxiety personality(HAP) traits described previously. In addition, the 7 factors above shaped your beliefs about yourself, relationships, and the world.
Experiences and Events Contributing to High Anxiety Personality Traits
Experiences and events can also contribute to the development of HAP traits. Listed below are some we may have faced in childhood. Check any that apply to you:
Substance abuse in the family-many of the coping skills that help children survive in the home of a substance abuser can interfere with their lives as they enter the adult world. When problems arise they may have an instinct to “don’t look”,”don’t feel”,”run away”. They may have a tendency to rely on the drug of choice to avoid feeling the pain associated with life’s problems.
Child abuse- there are 6 types of child abuse:
Physical Abuse-being hit,pushed, whipped, bitten,punched, slapped or burned.
Sexual Abuse-any kind of sexual contact with a child by either an adult or child through the use of coercion ,threat or force.
Neglect-the failure to provide basic necessities such as clothing, shelter,medical attention or supervision.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment- a punishment that is extreme or inappropriate for a child’s age or ability to understand. Example are: corporal punishment that results in injury, locking a child in a closet, forcing a child to toilet train at 6 months and sitting a child in a corner for hours at a time.
Emotional Neglect-failure by a parent to be emotionally available to take an interest in, talk to, hold or hug a child
Psychological abuse-any form of recurring communication that causes extreme and unnecessary mental suffering.Examples include: name calling or belittling,blocking a child’s efforts to accept him or herself and threats of abandonment.
Anxious parental role model- When a parent suffers from severe anxiety, has fearful beliefs,or has many of the personality traits above.
Critical Parent or Family Member- Excessive criticism often comes from a perfectionistic parent with unrealistic expectations. Sometimes excessive criticism or teasing comes from a brother or sister.The result is a poor self image and belief of inadequacy.
Rigid Family Rules- Growing up in an environment which has many rigid rules can set up a pattern of black and white thinking.A child in a family where there is chaos due to illness, alcoholism, or abuse may develop rigid rules in order to create a sense of security amid the chaos.
Parents With a Rigid Belief System- a child brought up in a rigid belief environment, which may be based on cultural background or religious affiliations, can be afflicted with rigid, black and white thinking.
Emphasis on Appearance or Proper Behavior- a demand for a child to always act properly can cause the child to feel inadequate and worthless if he fails to live up to this ideal image of a perfect person.
Overprotective Parent- Overprotection tends to encourage the belief that taking risks is dangerous and should be avoided. It also keeps the child from learning how to handle adversity.
Suppression or Denial of Feelings- a child can be taught to suppress feelings by being told things such as “Don’t cry” “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “Don’t be angry with me.” A child can also be taught indirectly by watching parents who suppress and deny feelings.Also, when the expression of feelings triggers violence or abuse in others, a child may need to suppress feelings in order to survive.
Lack of Information About Bodies and Emotions- This often plays a major role in developing unrealistic expectations about what a person should be able to do or how a person should react to situations.
Performance Related Approval- Some children only receive approval when something is accomplished-such as high grades, or the development of a talent such as music or sports. A parent fails to distinguish between the child’s action and the child’s value as a person. The negative impact of this is increased when the parent not only requires the child to perform in order to be loved, but also demands a level of competence beyond the child’s ability.
Anxiety About Separation or Loss- A child can experience significant anxiety when separated from a parent for a prolonged period of time. Especially when the child doesn’t understand the reason for the separation. Common reasons are : extensive travel for business, prolonged illness or hospitalization, divorce, and death. A parent who is physically present but ignores a child can also cause anxiety and a feeling of abandonment.
A Reversal of Child/ Parent Roles- When a parent is sick, busy or absent a child sometimes assumes the role of a parent in some way. A child who is required to assume adult responsibilities for which he is not ready, such as managing the house, often needs to develop a rigid set of rules in order to survive. This contributes to black and white thinking, the suppression of feelings, the need to be in control, and high expectations of self.
A Family Secret- Sometimes a lot of a family’s energy is used to keep a family secret hidden-such as premarital pregnancy, alcoholism, legal wrongdoing by a family member, or a family member in a mental institution. This generates the mistaken belief that certain types of feelings are wrong and must be suppressed or hidden from others. Family secrets can also contribute to the creation of an excessive need for approval.
The activities that follow in this program may seem awkward, uncomfortable, or difficult. Facing your problems and changing thoughts and behaviors which are impeding your life is painful. Working on changing them is the path to a more comfortable and enjoyable life. The effort and dedication that you put into the suggested activities will directly correlate to the success you have in reducing the anxiety and stress in your life. Working on them will give you the relief you are looking for.
Excercise
Make a List of Personality Traits and Childhood Experiences That Play a Role in Your Anxiety
Take time to review the personality traits and childhood experiences that contribute to your anxiety-related problems. List ways that each trait and childhood experience contributes to your anxiety. Write a short summary of what caused your anxiety- related problems on an index card and read it once a day until you have it memorized. This will give you a clear understanding of what caused your symptoms, takes the mystery out of your condition and helps you shift your focus from “What is happening to me?” to “What do I need to do?”.
Here are 2 examples:
John’s Card: A Simple Explanation of Social Phobia
I was very shy as a child. Because I kept to myself, I didn’t learn the social skills that most people acquire while growing up. At school I was teased because I was awkward, and at home I was told that I was useless and couldn’t do anything right. Because of this, I developed a poor self-image and often put myself and my abilities down.I became afraid of doing anything that might cause others to tease or criticize me.This combination of a poor self-image, negative self-talk, a distorted belief system, lack of social skills and excessive need for approval causes me anxiety. It is especially troubling and debilitating in social situations. I can greatly reduce my anxiety and become more comfortable in social situations by working through this program. This would greatly improve my quality of life.
Janes Card: A Simple Explanation of Generalized Anxiety Disorder
My mother was a world-class worrier. She regularly warned me about all of the dangers I would face whenever I left home. She also openly worried about any fearful story that was in the news.I began to copy her behaviors and was also able to get her attention when I myself was concerned with something. The habit of worrying and exaggerating potential threats is now a deeply ingrained habit pattern. By working on this program, I can greatly reduce my anxiety and learn new positive habits that will replace my old ones which hurt me.
Beliefs
Childhood experiences and events like the ones listed above can cause you to have deep rooted beliefs about the world. These beliefs can be categorized as follows:
Beliefs about yourself: these beliefs , sometimes referred to collectively as your self-concept or self image, include beliefs about your personal value or worth, your talents and limitations and your place in the world.
Beliefs about others: these beliefs include all your beliefs about human relationships such as how others should be treated, what form romantic relationships should take, and what type of behaviors can be expected from the various people you meet.
Beliefs about the world: these beliefs include beliefs about the meaning and importance of everyday events, as well as the meaning about abstract concepts as God, patriotism and morality.
Many of the basic elements of your core beliefs were established by the age of seven. Because young children lack many adult reasoning skills, have very little life experience, and tend to accept what adults say without questioning, many of the beliefs you arrived at as a child were irrational and unrealistic. While it is possible to examine these beliefs as an adult and replace unrealistic and irrational beliefs with more realistic and rational ones, many people fail to do so in at least some key areas of their lives. Either they do not understand the importance of these beliefs or they are so busy with the demands of life that they never take time to examine their beliefs in a systematic manner. The tragic result is that many people go through their entire life basing many of their actions on core beliefs developed when they were children.
Being burdened with irrational and unrealistic beliefs will result in your interpretation of events, situations and yourself in a distorted way. This distorted view will lead to thoughts about the subject which are irrational. In turn, the irrational thoughts will lead to misplaced emotion that can produce stress and anxiety at an alarming height. Most of your emotions are the result of interpretations you make of events taking place around you. The emotion generated by your interpretation of an event can then lead to you take action or sometimes inaction.
The process that generates your emotions can be diagrammed as follows:
Event------Interpretation------Emotion-------Action
Because the process of interpreting events takes place so rapidly and usually unconsciously, you are often aware only of the event and the emotional reaction you have to the event. The mind’s ability to interpret events quickly and automatically has led to the widespread misconception that people and events generate emotions. Most people don’t realize that it is the meaning they assign to people and events that actually generates emotions.
An example of how the same event can lead to different emotions and actions in different people by how they interpret and give meaning to it is the need to give a speech. One person may look at it as an opportunity to show his skills creating an emotion of excitement and happiness leading him to start preparation for it. Another person may look at the same event as a potential total failure causing depression and lethargy.
Another example of how the same event can lead to different emotions and actions is a rainstorm. One person may interpret the rain as bad and inconvenient causing him to get depressed and angry resulting in his staying inside the house and sulking. Another person will view the same rain as a welcoming supply of needed water causing a feeling of happiness resulting in going to see neighbors and talk about their luck in the weather.
Emotions
Emotions work in the following manner. A part of your mind constantly evaluates events in terms of your needs and wants. This process of assigning meaning to events is usually done automatically and unconsciously. If a need or want is or may be satisfied, you experience the various positive emotions such as joy, excitement or satisfaction. If a threat is present you experience anger (ranging from irritation to rage) or fear (ranging from apprehension to panic). If you encounter a loss you experience sadness,grief, or depression, depending on the nature of the loss.
When emotions focus your attention and motivate you to take actions that help you respond effectively to opportunity, loss and danger and achieve your life goals, they are self-fulfilling emotions. However, sometimes we experience self-defeating emotions that interfere with our ability to be effective in relationships, work and play and prevent us from reaching our life goals. Emotions can become self-defeating if they occur when there is no apparent reason for them, if they occur at an exaggerated level of intensity, or if they last for an extended period of time. Examples include becoming anxious when no threat exists, becoming enraged over a minor incident and remaining depressed for days over a minor loss or disappointment.
If the function of emotions is to help protect you and satisfy your needs, why then do you experience self-defeating emotions? The answer is simple. Every person has at least some, and in many cases many, beliefs and habitual thinking patterns that are irrational or unrealistic. This causes the automatic evaluation process to misinterpret events and either exaggerate threats and losses or see them when they are not actually present. This in turn triggers inappropriate emotions and self-defeating behaviors.
Thoughts affect how you feel and ultimately,your perspective on the world. The more things you see as threatening, the more anxious you feel. It’s that simple. It’s important that you understand your thinking patterns, challenge the thoughts contributing to your anxiety and develop more balanced perspectives.
Habitual Thinking Patterns
One of the wonders of the human mind is its ability to learn an action so well that it becomes automatic. Some actions took years to learn-such as dressing yourself- are now so automatic you don’t think about them. The way in which you think,the words you use, and the events you choose to remember and focus on are all automatic habit patterns and differ little from all of the other automatic behaviors you learned while growing up. In fact, you spend most of your days on “automatic pilot”. Unfortunately, just as you developed many irrational beliefs, you also developed many irrational ways of processing information that are now part of this automatic thought process that, in turn, contributes to your anxiety.
A key component of this automatic thought process is self-talk - the silent conversations that everyone has inside when thinking. Another key part of this internal automatic thought process involves the memories you choose to recall and the events on which you choose to focus. While you have a wide variety of memories from which to choose you usually recall those that reinforce your current state of mind. When you are sad, you recall sad memories. When you are happy, you recall pleasant ones. You also have a set of memorized stories and explanations you recall for specific events and situations. For example, when you are asked to say something about yourself, your work, or your childhood, you probably recall the same set of stories and explanations each time. In the same way, you have a selective point of view and notice only certain aspects of daily life. You may only be aware of only flaws and errors., Or, on the other hand, you may be aware of opportunities and the positive aspects of situations in which you find yourself. All of these automatic thoughts, self-talk, selective remembering, prepared stories and explanations and selective points of view are shaped by your core beliefs formed in childhood. They als make up the basis of your habitual thinking patterns. The interpretation process that generates your emotions is, for the most part, based upon a combination of these automatic, habitual thinking patterns and your beliefs. By changing them, you can change the way you interpret events and dramatically and positively alter your experience of life.
The Cognitive Approach
The cognitive approach involves learning how to change the way you feel and act by changing the way you think. The primary skill used is rational self-talk. This skill can help you change the way you feel and act by changing the way you interpret events, perceive the world more rationally and realistically: increase your sense of personal power, and take advantage of opportunities and choices you were unaware of in the past. The seven different types of rational self-talk are:
Ego Strengtheners- statements that offer self-encouragement or remind you of specific positive abilities you possess.
Substitution- the substitution of words or phrases that characterize rational thinking for one’s characteristic of irrational thinking.
Questioning- the use of questions to direct your attention to key issues or to emphasize the irrational nature of a particular form of self-defeating thinking. Questioning is usually followed by a rational challenge, objective evaluation, cost-benefit analysis or redirecting statement.
Rational Challenge- the use of memorized statements or rational arguments to correct faulty assumptions that underlie specific types of irrational thinking or self-defeating behaviors.
Objective Evaluation- the objective analyses of your current situation, thoughts or behavior. This goal is to take yourself off automatic pilot and use your ability to discriminate and reason in a more deliberate manner. This helps you replace automatic thoughts and behaviors that are self-defeating with thoughts and behaviors that are self-enhancing.
Cost-Benefit Analysis- the listing and evaluation of advantages or disadvantages for a particular belief or behavior. This is often part of an objective evaluation that helps you become more realistic when irrational thinking has caused you to view the world in an unrealistic and self-defeating manner. It also helps correct irrational beliefs that support an unrealistic view of the world.
Redirecting Statements- statements that redirect your attention and energy into more rational and productive activities. Redirecting statements usually follow one of the above approaches.
Should/Must Thinking
Should/must thinking refers to the transformation of personal choices, wants or preferences into universal absolutes. This is usually done by using words and phrases such as “should”, “must”, “ought” and “have to”. When you use should/must thinking, three things tend to occur. First,you focus your attention on the undesirable aspects of problems and the discomfort you are experiencing rather than finding possible solutions. Second, you tend to waste time and energy criticizing and condemning the person or thing that is breaking the should/must rule. Third, you lose some contact with reality as you enter the fantasy world of how things “should” be.
Here’s an example of one person’s should/must thinking. One evening Donna had an experience that illustrates these three aspects of should/must thinking. While going to a friend’s house for a casual dinner party, she was caught in a traffic jam. Because Donna had the rule,”I must always be on time”, she reacted with the following self-talk: “Oh no! I’m not going to make it on time. I can’t be late. This is terrible! I must be on time.” Donna’s should/must rule created the false belief that there was only one possibility in this situation. Donna had to be on time. Nothing else was acceptable. This kept her mind focused on the undesirable aspects of an event she had no power to predict or prevent. She was unable to adopt a problem solving approach and consider practical and positive ways of dealing with the problem of the traffic jam.
Soon Donna found herself condemning the person who broke the should/must rule-in this case herself. “Boy have you blown it! You can’t even get to a simple dinner party on time. You should have known better than to leave the time you did.” She also spent time condemning people and events that contributed to the problem. “Stupid drivers! Why can’t people drive like they’re supposed to? And why can’t they do something about this road anyway?” Because most should/must rules like this come from childhood, Donna, like many people, found her internal self-talk sounding like a critical parent.
When you say something should or must exist and it actually does not,to some extent you are denying reality and entering a fantasy world.
Donna’s fantasy held that there was no substitute for being on time. In the real world, she is occasionally going to be late. As reality intruded upon Donna’s fantasy, she experienced severe anxiety along with resentment toward anyone or anything that delayed her further. She found herself driving recklessly-risking her life, her automobile and the lives of other drivers. As Donna arrived at the party late, she punished herself with self condemnation for breaking her should/must rule.
When you identify a should/must rule you want to eliminate, challenge the rule with logical arguments whenever you notice yourself thinking or using automatic behavior that reflects it. The key to challenging should/must thinking is training yourself to accept reality and focusing on the choices that are available to you in a given situation. The following types of rational self-talk are used to do this:
Substitution: whenever you catch yourself thinking or saying “I should”, :I must” or I “have to” restate it using phrases such as “I like”, I prefer”, “I choose”, “I have decided”, or “it would be nice”. These type of phrases help you become more aware of the fact that life is a series of choices and you are choosing to act in one way or another. There is nothing you HAVE to do in life. You choose to do things that bring something desirable or help you avoid something undesirable.
Examples of using substitution:
If You Say or Think: Rethink or Restate it as:
“I have to be on time” “I like to be on time.”
“I want to be on time.”
“I prefer to be on time.”
“The lawn should/must be cut “I like to cut the lawn every Saturday.”
every Saturday”
“I choose to cut the lawn every Saturday.”
“I have decided to cut the lawn every Saturday.”
“He should be polite” “I would like it if he were polite.”
“I would prefer it if he were polite.”
“It would be nice if he were polite”
“They should be fair” “I would like them to be fair.”
“I want them to be fair”
“It would be nice if they were fair.”
Questioning: ask yourself, “who says I should/must…..?”, “where is it written that I should/must….? Or “why should/must I….?” This exposes the arbitrary nature of should/must rules and the fact that they are personal values and preferences rather than universal absolutes. When using this type of rational response (questioning), follow it up with one of these rational response:
Objective Evaluation: list choices that are available to you and choose the one that seems best for you. Your goal is to choose thoughts and actions that are appropriate for the situation you are facing instead of blindly following a set of arbitrary should/must rules that probably do not reflect reality.
In the previous example, when Donna says “I should be on time”. She can challenge the thought with questioning by saying to herself “Where is it written that I must to be on time?”. Then she should follow it up by using objective evaluation and decide what her choices are. She can call ahead to let someone know she is going to be late. She can just arrive late and make the best of the situation. She can also decide whether or not she needs to leave earlier next time in order to arrive at the time she wants to arrive.
Cost-Benefit Analysis: some should/must rules concern behaviors or values that are valuable and you may want to keep. In order to determine this make a written list of advantages and disadvantages of acting this way or having this value. If you decide a particular rule is useful and decide to keep it, rephrase it using the language described using the substitution method such as “I prefer…” etc.
After learning the rational cognitive skills, Donna again found herself in a traffic jam. This time it occurred while she was driving to work. As is often the case, her first reaction was to react with her old pattern of should/must thinking. However, she quickly recognized what she was doing and used the following rational self-talk to challenge the old thinking pattern:
“Wait a minute. Here I am getting upset about being late again when there’s nothing I can do about it now. I like to be on time(substitution). However, there is no way this is going to happen today. My boss understands the problems with traffic in the city and doesn’t really mind my occasionally being late. In fact, he often complains about this same stretch of road. It looks like I’ll only be 10 minutes late and it’s been some time since the last time it happened. When I get to work, I’ll just explain what happened(objective evaluation). Now let’s just relax and listen to the radio and get to work as soon as I can (redirecting statement).
Circular Questioning
Circular questioning is a common form of should/must thinking where you ask yourself over and over questions that are either irrelevant or have an answer you already know but are unwilling to accept. Common examples include, “Why am I like this?”, “Why can’t I change?”, “Why did that happen?”, “How could he/she do that?”, and “How could that happen?” Your mind becomes stuck because you refuse to accept reality and slip into the fantasy world of your should/must rules.
“Why am I like this?” usually means “I should be different and can’t stand the way I am.” “Why can’t I change?” usually means “I have to change.” or “I can’t change and it’s awful.” “Why did that happen?” usually means “That shouldn’t happen?” “How could he/she do that?” usually means “He/she should have acted differently and it’s terrible that he/she acted in that manner.” “How could that happen?” usually means “That shouldn’t have happened.”
The first step in challenging circular questioning is to identify the should/must ruke that has been violated. This usually can be done by simply changing the question into a should/must or can’t statement. Once you have done this, challenge it with rational self-talk.
Example: Jeff lives with Mark who is often inconsiderate. When his friend acts thoughtlessly, Jeff usually begins thinking “Why is Mark like this? How could he be so inconsiderate?” over and over as he becomes anxious and upset.
Jeff’s rational self-talk: “Wait a minute. There I go again with the “how’s” and why’s”. I’m saying Mark should be different from the way he is and it’s appalling that he isn’t. (changing the questions into a statement). While I would like Mark to be different, it is a fact that he is who and what he is. He is very frequently inconsiderate and I need to decide how I am going to respond when this happens(objective evaluation). Now, what are my choices(redirecting statement)?
Can’t/Must Thinking
The use of the word can’t or must to describe a need, want, decision or choice is another common form of should/must thinking. People with anxiety problems frequently avoid situations associated with anxiety or panic. If this is true for you, it as important to keep in mind that you have not really lost any of your former abilities. You still can do anything you have done before. Right now you may be choosing to avoid some situations and activities because you do not want to experience the anxiety they produce. This is common with people who have high anxiety issues. Do not condemn yourself for doing this. As you continue to work through these lessons, you will eventually change enough of your attitudes and master enough of the skills to manage your anxiety and overcome your current avoidance patterns.
One example of this type of situation is a person who has extreme anxiety and becomes afraid to go outside and is scared to go to the store. This person may be thinking: “I can’t go to the store.” As long as they think that they “can’t” do something they create the illusion that they have no control or responsibility over that area of your life. Life is a series of choices. You choose or to do or not to do something because it brings you pleasure or helps you avoid discomfort. As soon as you begin to realize that you are choosing to do or not to do things, you begin to take back the power you need to change the way you live and create the life you want.
Changing the words you use is an easy way to begin taking back the power you need to change your life. Whenever you catch yourself thinking “I can’t” change it into “I don’t want to”,”I choose not to”, “I don’t feel like” or “I don’t like to”. For example if you say or think:
“I can’t do this.”
restate and rethink it as:
“I choose not to do this right now”
Excercises
Relaxation Response
-Continue practicing your relaxation response at least once a day. When you experience more stress than usual, schedule an extra session.
Identify and reevaluate your should must rules
Make a list of your personal should/must rules.
Take several days to list things you catch yourself thinking or saying that contain the word or idea of “should”,”must” or “have to”. Don’t forget that circular questioning and can’t thinking are simply disguised forms of should/must thinking. Here are some examples:
• I should be calm when I go out.
• The house has to be cleaned by 11:00 A.M.
• Why can’t I get to places on time? (This means “I should always be on time.”)
• How could that person say such a rude thing? (This means “People shouldn’t say rude things.”)
After a few days, go through your list and evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of each should/must rule. Make a conscious decision about whether you want to keep, change, or eliminate any of the rules you have been following. Whenever you find yourself saying, thinking, or basing your actions on a rule you want to eliminate, use the various rational self-talk skills to challenge it. Practice using accurate and positive language when thinking or speaking about rules you decide to keep.
Be Patient
Remember that you progress at your own rate. You are currently at the beginning of this program and have much to learn. Whether or not you overcome the behaviors and symptoms associated with anxiety at the end of the fifteen lessons depends on many things:
• How much time and effort you put into working through the lessons.
• How carefully you follow the instructions in the recommended reading.
• How severe your symptoms were when you began.
• How long you have experienced your symptoms.
• Your own individual personality.
• The strength of your commitment to change and overcome your old patterns.
• How much time and energy you put into practicing the activities you are asked to do.
• Whether or not there are any complicating factors such as a poor marriage, difficult life events, or medical conditions.
The above combination of factors is different for every person using this program. Some people overcome all the symptoms associated with anxiety in a few months. Others need to work on these skills for a year or more. Some people simply have more work to do to unlearn old patterns and develop new ones to replace them. How long it takes is not important. What is important is that you spend the time and energy required to reach your goal and use the lessons as they are intended to be used. If you are doing this, you will overcome the old patterns that generate and maintain your anxiety. One common error many people with anxiety-related problems make is to have the goal of eliminating all anxiety. This is impossible. The only people who never experience anxiety are psychotic, brain damaged, drugged, or dead. Anxiety is a natural part of living and is often the most appropriate response to a real threat. You are working toward two different goals: minimizing the overall amount of anxiety you experience, and managing the anxiety you do experience more effectively so it does not limit or interfere with your ability to enjoy life. Because this requires learning new skills as well as changing old thinking patterns and old attitudes, it is a gradual process. You are not in competition with anyone; just move along at your own rate, one that is right for you.
Reward Your Successes
You will progress more rapidly if you develop the habit of rewarding yourself whenever you experience success with the skills you’re developing. This does not mean you wait for your skills to work perfectly. Learn to congratulate yourself whenever a skill works, even if it is only a partial success. The easiest way to do this is with statements such as the following:
• I did it!
• The skills I’m learning worked. I was able to do it!
• Even though there was some anxiety, I didn’t let it stop me.
Saying complimentary statements like the above is often difficult for people with many of the high-anxiety personality traits. If this is true for you, make a deliberate effort to learn how to compliment yourself.
Negative Friends
At one time or another, everyone has known a negative person. This is someone who is always noticing flaws and dwelling on problems, illnesses, or unpleasant symptoms. Keep the ollowing points in mind when you are around a negative person.
• When you are anxious or tense, you are more susceptible to the negativity of others.
• You are working on changing your habitual ways of thinking and acting. People with a negative outlook will slow you down and may even sabotage your work.
• Negative people are very energy draining. At this time you need to devote all of your energy to the task of overcoming your anxietyrelated problems. You don’t have energy to spare.
While working with these lessons, you may find it important to “let go” of negative friends and spend as little time with them as possible. The easiest way to let go of a negative friend is through “creative neglect.” Simply be busy or unavailable whenever the negative friend wants to talk or spend time together. After overcoming your anxiety-related problems, you may resume these friendships. Sometimes the negative person in your life is a relative, co-worker, or someone else you need to deal with on a regular basis.
Spend at least one week with this lesson and read it at least three times. If you feel the urge to move ahead before a week is over, use the time to review and practice the skills presented in the previous lessons.
Distorted Thinking
Common Forms of Distorted Thinking
The following forms of thinking are called distorted thinking because they cause an irrational or unrealistic interpretation of events. This creates a distorted view of the yourself, or your place in the world, which can cause inappropriate emotions and self-defeating behaviors. From time to time you use most, if not all, of these forms of distorted thinking. This is especially true whenever you experience excessive stress, hunger, fatigue, or illness. As you read through the lesson, put a check by those forms that are most typical of the way you think and speak. Spend most of your time and energy with the ones you checked as you reread and study this lesson. Each of the following descriptions includes an explanation of how rational self-talk can be used to challenge that particular form of distorted thinking. If you do your best with the exercises in this and the next few lessons, you will gain skill in recognizing the types of distorted thinking you use, whether you are able to label them or not. As you learn to recognize and challenge your distorted thinking, you will be pleasantly surprised at what a powerful tool this is.
Should/Must Thinking
Should/must thinking is the transformation of personal choices, wants, or preferences into universal absolutes. This is usually done by using words and phrases such as “should,” “must,” “ought,” and “have to.” Two common variations on should/must thinking are called circular questioning and can’t thinking. There is one other common form of should/must thinking called all-or-nothing thinking. All-or-nothing thinking—sometimes called dichotomous thinking—is the evaluation of personal qualities and events in terms of black-and-white categories. The words that are most frequently associated with this type of thinking are “right,” “wrong,” “good,” and “bad.” All-or-nothing thinking is based on rigid should/must rules that force everyday experience into absolute good and bad categories. This creates a distorted view of the world that generates increased anxiety and depression. Everyday events are rarely completely good or bad. All-or-nothing thinking plays a major role in perfectionism because it magnifies the importance of mistakes and imperfections. It contributes to a poor self-image since any personal flaw or error causes you to view yourself as inadequate and worthless. All-or-nothing thinking also causes your experience of the world to be negative since events in an imperfect world are rarely good enough to be considered positive.
The most effective rational self-talk approach to use when correcting all-or-nothing thinking is a rational challenge, followed by redirecting statements. Concentrate on finding examples that contradict the blackand-white categories you have created. Challenge any should/must or can’t rules you identify as part of the all-or-nothing thinking and remind yourself that this is a perfectionistic form of thinking. Example: Choy was in the process of overcoming social phobia and experienced a moderate amount of anxiety during part of a social event. She reacted by thinking: “I’m really blowing this. I wish I could do things right.” Choy’s rational self-talk: “Wait a minute. What do I mean, ‘I’m really blowing this’? And what do I mean by ‘doing things right’? (challenging questions). I’m really not doing that bad even though I’m somewhat uncomfortable. In fact, I have actually enjoyed part of this event (objective evaluation). There is no one ‘right’ way to act. There are many ways to act and feel at an event like this. When I say ‘I wish I could do things right’ I’m actually saying I should be calm and confident in this situation. While I’d like to be calm and confident, the truth is I am still learning how to manage my anxiety and it will probably be some time before I become calm in a situation like this. That is okay. The way I am acting is just fine even though I may not like the way I am feeling. This anxiety only means I still sometimes become anxious in this type of situation. That is normal and to be expected for someone in my situation (rational challenge). Now, let’s practice using my small-talk skills (redirecting statement).”
Overgeneralization
Overgeneralization is the changing of a single negative event into a never-ending pattern of defeat or misfortune. This is usually done by using words like “never,” “always,” and “every.” The best way to reverse an overgeneralization is to remind yourself that a single negative event is just that—a single negative event and nothing more. Recalling at least one event that contradicts the negative overgeneralization also helps. Some people find their rational self-talk is strengthened if they begin with a question that emphasizes the extreme nature of the overgeneralization such as “Is it really true that I always …. ?”
Example: Andy was planning an outing but woke up to bad weather and began thinking: “Why does it always rain when I plan something? I guess I can’t do anything right.” Andy’s rational self-talk: “Does it really always rain when I plan something? And do I never do anything well (emphasizing the overgeneralization with a question)? I guess this is an overgeneralization. Actually, this is the first time this year I’ve planned an outing and it rained. I also have to admit that the last outing I planned went very well (objective evaluation).”
Labeling
Labeling is a common form of overgeneralization in which you define yourself or your behavior in terms of a simplistic and usually negative label. Labeling is usually the result of internalizing labels that were used by adults or other children to describe you when you were a child. As you matured, these labels are internalized and became a habitual, automatic response that now occurs when flaws are noticed or when a mistake is made. Here are some common negative labels. Check any you frequently use for yourself.
Common Negative Labels
childish cold competitive compulsive conceited controlling
crazy aggressive arrogant bitchy born loser bossy castrating
chauvinist critical cruel demanding disgusting dull dumb
egotistical emotional failure frigid harsh hostile hysterical illogical immature impolite incapable insensitive irrational irresponsible klutz lazy mean nagging nitpicking nosy overemotional parental passive petty pig repulsive rotten self-centered selfish self-pitying shrill silly sissy slow softy stubborn stuck-up stupid superman/woman thoughtless too idealistic too sensitive troublemaker ugly unassertive ungrateful unimportant uninteresting weak willful wimpy
Sometimes seemingly positive labels can be as bad as negative ones. For example, a “nice guy” might allow himself to be taken advantage of rather than risk losing his positive self-image. Other examples of labels that seem positive but can create similar problems are gracious, good parent, good person, and in charge. Labeling like the above usually is nonproductive and inaccurate. Furthermore, since these types of labels are usually emotionally loaded, they generate strong negative feelings that often paralyze you or trigger self-defeating behavior.
Several types of rational self-talk can be used to combat labeling. Start with substitution. Dismiss the label for what it is—an inaccurate overgeneralization—and substitute more accurate, opposite, and positive words to describe yourself. The use of ego strengtheners is a good idea if you’ve been very hard on yourself. Finally, make an objective evaluation of the event or situation. If your labeling is in response to a mistake that you have made, use redirecting statements to remind yourself of the only two constructive alternatives you have: if possible, do something practical to correct your error, and decide how you can reduce the chance of this event or error from recurring in the future. If your labeling is in response to a personal flaw or shortcoming you have noticed, use a rational challenge and remind yourself to separate your actions from your worth as a person.
Example: Pat is a shipping clerk who has sent a shipment to the wrong location. She catches herself dwelling on how she is worthless and always making a mess of things. Pat’s rational self-talk: “Wait a minute. I am not a worthless screw-up! I am simply a human being who has made a mistake (substitution). People do this all the time. Actually, I’m a very good worker who is just as accurate and productive as the other clerks (ego strengtheners). Now, exactly what went wrong? It seems I punched the wrong code into the computer when I coded the address labels. I guess the first thing I need to do is make sure that shipment gets rerouted. I can now just look at this as a lesson telling me I need to be more careful when I input information into the computer. When I make a mistake like this in the future, I also need to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes from time to time. In fact, I correct mistakes like this that others have made all the time (objective evaluation).”
Magnification/Minimization
Magnification refers to two different types of exaggeration. The first, called catastrophizing, is the act of turning small personal flaws, minor negative experiences, or errors into major catastrophes. The second type of magnification is the exaggeration of someone else’s achievements or abilities. One common type of catastrophic self-talk involves phrases such as, “I can’t stand this,” or awful. I can’t stand not knowing how to do this.” Fred’s rational self-talk: “What am I saying? It is true this is difficult and I am finding it frustrating. However, it is certainly not ‘awful’ (substitution). Saying I can’t stand not knowing how to do this is also untrue. Even if I never figure this out, I’m not going to die (rational challenge). I always have the choice of quitting if I decide this frustration is more than I choose to endure. But now that I think about it, it’s really not that bad. In fact, it’s relatively minor compared with events that are truly awful. I am willing to experience some frustration in order to pass this class and receive my degree (objective evaluation).” Exaggerating the achievements or abilities of others creates the illusion that your own achievements or abilities are of little value. It can also cause you to give up working toward developing a skill or ability since magnifying similar abilities or achievements in others makes them appear unattainable. All of this lowers self-esteem and can produce anxiety, depression, and self-condemnation. When you catch yourself magnifying the abilities or achievements of others, evaluate their abilities objectively and use ego strengtheners to remind yourself of your strengths and abilities. Redirecting statements can also be used to channel your energy into a different and more positive activity. Sometimes it helps to use a rational challenge. Remind yourself that anyone with average intelligence who is free from brain damage and physical disabilities can learn any skill if an effective method is used and enough time and energy are devoted to it. This does not guarantee that you will become an expert, but you can at least achieve an average level of skill. In most human activities, from job skills to interpersonal skills, this is all you need to be successful.
Example: As Fred works on his assignment, he thinks: “Bob and Kay both seem to pick this stuff right up. In fact, everyone in the class seems to do better than me (this last statement is both a magnification and an overgeneralization).”
Fred’s rational self-talk: “Hold on. Here I go again. I know I may never be as good at algebra as Bob and Kay. They are the best students in the class. However, I can do well enough to pass the class and that is all I need for my purposes (objective evaluation). Come to think of it, I received Bs on my first two quizzes. That was better than many of the other people in class. So I guess I can do just fine (ego strengtheners). Now let’s take another look at this problem and come up with the best way to solve it. If I can’t figure it out on my own, I’ll ask Bob for help (redirecting statements).”
Minimization is the devaluing of personal strengths, abilities, and achievements as well as the mistakes and imperfections of others. Minimization and magnification usually occur together. For example, when you magnify another person’s positive qualities and achievements, you also tend to minimize this person’s negative qualities and failures. Likewise, when you magnify your own faults and errors, you usually minimize your strengths and successes. When you catch yourself minimizing your own positive qualities and achievements, combat it with an objective evaluation and ego strengtheners. Identify specific personal strengths and achievements and affirm their importance and value. When you find yourself making others perfect by minimizing their mistakes and shortcomings, make an objective evaluation of their skills and accomplishments and identify specific shortcomings and flaws. At the same time, identify areas where you have skills and talent.
Example: While at a company dinner Margaret, a successful manager, found herself thinking: “Mary is such an excellent office manager. Her unit always runs so smoothly. I wish I had onetenth of her ability.”
Margaret’s rational self-talk: “There I go putting myself down again. All my evaluations have very high ratings and I’ve been told many times how productive my unit is. I guess I really am a pretty good manager (objective evaluation/ego strengtheners). I also know that while Mary can do some things better than me, there are other things I can do better than her. Her unit also has its occasional problems and glitches just like mine. Last week’s foulup with the Mondale account is a good example (objective evaluation). So I guess we’re both good, each in our own way (ego strengthener).”
Minimization is often called discounting and sometimes becomes so extreme that neutral and even positive experiences are interpreted as negative ones. When a person with this tendency cannot twist a positive event into a negative one, the person reduces it in importance by saying something such as, “This doesn’t really count since it was just a fluke and wouldn’t happen again in a million years.” This type of discounting plays a major role in maintaining a poor self-image and is commonly associated with both depression and anxiety. With time and practice, the pairing of an objective evaluation with ego strengtheners will successfully overcome this type of minimization.
Example: Fred receives a compliment after helping out a friend at work and thinks: “Jim is probably just being nice and doesn’t really mean it. He probably wouldn’t even say that if he really knew how I was feeling today.”Fred’s rational self-talk: “Wow! There I go discounting a perfectly wonderful compliment. If Jim had done the same for me, I would be genuinely grateful. So why shouldn’t Jim respond in the same manner? I guess he really is sincere (objective evaluation). While it feels funny, it’s nice to be complimented like this. I deserve it (ego strengtheners).” Personalization